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In response to mounting accusations, President Ruth Simmons announced Tuesday that there is "definitely no such thing as a Department of Conspiratorial Studies on Brown University's campus. Not in a million years. Absolutely not. No, sir. Nope."
Simmons added that "on a completely unrelated note, students should refrain from knocking three times on the back door of Watson at midnight."
Suspicion has long surrounded the University's role in historical episodes of intrigue and espionage. Allegations of a Conspiracy Department date back to 1343 B.C., when, by some accounts, then-junior Alex Farmer slipped poison into the drink of King Tutankhamun of Egypt as part of his Independent Study Project in political assassinations. Similarly, before shooting Archduke Franz Ferdinand, it is a little-known fact that Gavrilo Princip was last seen checking his mail at J. Walter Wilson.
Rumors have persisted throughout the 20th century, provoking what has amounted to an apparent University cover-up operation. For example, few recall that until very recently, Brown's Olney-Margolis Athletic Complex was officially the Lee Harvey Oswald Memorial Athletic Center, commonly referred to as the LHOMAC.
Those who believe in the existence of a Conspiracy Department even contend that a secret library for Conspiracy students exists alongside the John D. Rockefeller, the John Hay, and the John Carter Brown, known as the John Wilkes Booth. If the rumors are true, however, most Conspiracy students prefer the Sciences Library.
Several students have come forward to admit their concentration in the program. According to one student, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, freshman may enroll in such University courses as CONS 230, where students learn the basics of lying, denying, and making Banner crash on preregistration day, and CONS 400: Introduction to Ratty Laxatives. In more advanced courses, concentrators hone their skills in orchestrating Communist takeovers of Third World nations and clogging Graduate Center toilets.
By the account of another anonymous supposed concentrator, students wishing to learn more about concentrating in Conspiracies should tie a red handkerchief from their dorm window during the next full moon and wait for the signal, or else visit the Department's booth at this year's concentration fair. The student added that he is looking forward to guest lectures this year from Elvis, O.J. Simpson, and Roger Rabbit, and is currently making plans to study abroad in Roswell, New Mexico.
Thankfully, Simmons' staunch assurances finally lay to rest the age-old controversy, quashing once and for all the persistent notion of such a department. However, those who have long suspected Brown's clandestine endeavors continue to point to the fact that if you rearrange the letters in "BROWN UNIVERSITY," you get "TERVS WYN UOIINRB," which, as everyone knows, is Norwegian for "PAUL IS DEAD."
Coincidence? You be the judge.
