In response to mounting accusations, President Ruth Simmons announced Tuesday that there is "definitely no such thing as a Department of Conspiratorial Studies on Brown University's campus. Not in a million years. Absolutely not. No, sir. Nope."
Simmons added that "on a completely unrelated note, students should refrain from knocking three times on the back door of Watson at midnight."
Suspicion has long surrounded the University's role in historical episodes of intrigue and espionage.
The Brown Concert Agency has released a statement of apology in response to the student body's outcry against the alarmingly heteronormal agenda of Spring Weekend 2009's headline act, "Of Montreal."
Brown's LGBTQ community led the complaint that the non-provocative group failed to meet sufficiently Brown's lofty standards for needlessly inflammatory sexual expression.
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