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The Brown Noser

Democrats Storm Capitol Armed With Military-Grade Thinkpieces And Explosively Worded Instagram Stories

Published Friday, February 5th, 2021

In response to January’s attack on the Capitol by a mob of Trump supporters, Democrats have stormed Washington D.C. armed with military-grade thinkpieces and explosively worded Instagram stories.

“Enough is enough,” said Andrea Cooper, leading the respectfully organized procession of Democrats towards the Capitol steps. “When those Republicans get an eyeful of my scathing op-ed on Medium, they won’t know what hit ‘em.”

“Mitch McConnell better watch out, because this nasty woman has him on her no-good list!” added Cooper, combatively Photoshopping a picture of the Senate minority leader’s head onto the body of a turtle and adding it to her Instagram story with the caption ‘WE NEED CHANGE.’ “When I’m not fighting fascism, I’m also an English teacher, so he should be ready for some brutal rhetoric coming his way.”

“Just because the Cheeto-in-Chief is gone doesn’t mean our work is over,” Cooper said, drawing from her fully-stocked arsenal of biting insults. “We’re good and mad, and we’re not afraid to bring out the big guns. Purely metaphorical guns, I mean — I’m a huge advocate for gun control!”

At press time, Democrats were organizing a militantly optimistic group of 22-year-old campaign staffers to deploy in the event of future threats to our democracy.

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