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According to sources from within the government, the Department of Buzzkill arrested over 25 J.P. Morgan investment bankers involved in a totally rad embezzlement scam yesterday.
The super dope larceny funneled millions of shareholder dollars into the pockets of Morgan top executives until it was flat out busted by the feds over, like, a technicality or whatever.
“We believe the accusations of illegal trading to be completely unfounded,” argued head of risk policy Jim Galland, referring to law enforcement’s hella lame prosecution about 10 measly counts of national fraud. “Our investments have operated well within the legal bounds for spending purposes, and our returns to investors are higher than ever.”
Galland went on to explain about Morgan’s wicked-sweet loophole involving fake funding for children’s hospitals and frickin’ boatloads of cash held in foreign accounts overseas.
According to bankers, the arrests fall within a larger movement by the DoB to crack down on literally everything fun ever. The Department has also remained deaf to pleas from bankers pointing out that they’re being complete fucking bummers.
“It’s clearly part of an unconstitutional persecution of Wall Street,” commented CEO Jamie Dimon while completing a sick-nasty affidavit to transfer any potential blame to his subordinates in a totally righteous power move. “Capitalism is about letting the free market do its job unhindered, not imposing restrictions that devalue investments and get in the way of real business.”
At press time, the Department of Buzzkill was preparing their bogus case to go to trial with assistance from the Office of People With Sticks Up Their Butts and their stupid lawyers.
