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Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel announced on Friday that the United States Department of Defense would be switching its national security strategy to man-to-man coverage. “Upon weighing the comparative merits of a conventional policy combining military and contractor resources versus one based on a stripped down, man-to-man approach," Hagel explained, "the Joint Chiefs of Staff and I decided it would be best to change up our playbook.”
“Each ‘X’ stands for one of our personnel. Each ‘O’ is a real or potential danger to our domestic and foreign interests,” Hagel said, pointing to a world-map chalkboard.
The Defense Secretary explained that, rather than dealing with terrorist organizations and other hostile forces through first detection by the U.S. intelligence network and then elimination of high-value targets, the department will now be deploying a single federal agent to guard each enemy belligerent.
“This is a more aggressive game plan than our previous tactics. Our soldiers, strategists, and intelligence analysts are now going to be expected to stay on an assigned threat, box out that threat, and—where necessary—eliminate said threat.”
Responding to criticism that such coverage might leave the U.S. more open to certain offensive maneuvers, Hagel assured press that no comprehensive defense policy is perfect and that, of course, his first priority is keeping Americans safe. He also went on to dismiss proponents of a strategy geared more towards focus on maintaining regional, zone-oriented stabilities as part of international cooperative efforts.
“I say now with total confidence that a man-to-man allocation of funds and staffers is the best possible solution going forward," Hagel said. "We’ve got to catch America’s enemies off-balance. We’ve got to get in their faces. We’ve got to rattle their cages a little bit.”
Hagel closed with a demonstration of the defensive stance all agents are now to be trained in: feet planted wide, eyes up, with shoulders over the knees so that they will be harder to knock down.
