A report released by the Brown University Department of Biology last Thursday evinced proof beyond all reasonable doubt that, when you get right down to it, some people really are just natural-born champions. The report, conducted over a period of nearly a decade, shows that the whole of the human population can be divided into those that exhibit the quality “it” and those that do not. Common characteristics among those that demonstrate signs of the “it” factor include but are not limited to: unshakable sense of selfhood, firm handshake, fully realized lives, and marked lack of neurosis.

“You’ve either got ‘it’ or you don’t” explains Dr. Newt Markel, Biology Department chair and head author of the paper. Dr. Markel has a strong chin and woody baritone speaking voice, commanding yet conversational. “The entire course of human history, then, is explicable in terms of this fact.”

However, on the subject of just what “it” is Markel remains coy.
“If you have to ask, you’ll never know,” says Markel.

There are, according to Markel’s team of researchers, exactly two types of people in this world: winners and losers. “It is indefinable. But winners definitely have it. You know—pilots, Kennedys, heirs to large oil fortunes. It is very abstract—it is.”

“If you have to ask, you can’t afford it,” Markel then said in answer to an un-asked question. Dr. Markel’s office is filled with many interesting volumes, all tastefully bound and displayed. His teeth are very white.

The class of losers, on the other hand, consists of just about everybody else. Common characteristics of the average loser tend to be: self-medication, self-absorption, self-flagellation, crippling self-consciousness, and a perhaps justified lack of self-esteem. They lack “it” and are unlikely to even be aware of this fact.

“If you have to ask, you’re doing it wrong,” Markel winks, effortlessly coining a phrase that has, at press time, gone on to widespread colloquial use and unqualified lexicological success.

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