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Running out of time before December 25th, a panicked Santa Claus is reportedly using reindeer flesh as presents this year. Sources say Claus was last seen tearfully taking a blood-matted piece of deer, and wrapping it in red ribbon.
“Fuck, man. I knew I should have gotten started on this earlier," Claus said, shakily bringing a cigarette to his bloodied, bearded mouth. “This is so fucked, but people need presents on Christmas and this is the best I can do with the time I have left.”
Additionally, sources reported that while wrapping one present, Claus could be overheard muttering, “J-Jimmy’s b-been a v-very good boy this y-year. A v-very g-good boy. Oh god.” Claus then allegedly broke down in a sob.
At press time, a morose Claus was seen wiping his forehead with a bloody glove while calmly leading Vixen behind a large candy cane.
