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The Brown Noser

Developing Drinking Habit Ideal Response To COVID-19, CDC Announces

Published Friday, October 30th, 2020

During a White House press conference last Tuesday, CDC Director Robert Redfield stated that developing a drinking habit is the ideal response to COVID-19.

“When evaluating responses to this pandemic, we’ve found that the most effective response is forming a chemical dependency on alcohol,” Redfield said in a nationally televised briefing. “To effectively cope with the uncertainty and stress of living in a post-COVID world, you should stay at home, and develop a lasting, unbreakable compulsion to get inebriated throughout your waking hours.”

Redfield’s statement acknowledged that contact tracing and extensive, rigorous testing are still effective methods. He also commended countries such as New Zealand and South Korea, which have adopted these measures. However, he stated that such tactics would pale in comparison to binge drinking multiple times a week until one descends into full-blown alcoholism.

“I must emphasize that having a glass or two of wine each night is not sufficient; we need people getting absolutely shitfaced to the point where they’re on the verge of blacking out,” Redfield said, before taking a large swig from a hidden flask. “And no piss water Bud Lights either, we need to see some Jack Daniels and Captain Morgan flowing. Bottoms up!”

At press time, the CDC reinforced their mandate that a six foot distance be maintained when performing Jägertrains.

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