Wednesday, April 14, 2021
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The Brown Noser

Xander Chen

Writer

Xander's articles

White Family Gives Dog Only Normal Name In Household | Mar 12 2021

Sources report that local white family the McKinnons have given Ryan, their German Shepherd, the only normal name in the household. “Ryan has been and always will be a source of love and happiness in this family,” said Kennaugh McKinnon, who, with his wife Oaklynn, named his children using strings of nonsense syllables.

Utah Elementary School Allows Parents To Opt Children Out Of Receiving Education | Mar 12 2021

A public elementary school in Utah has announced that it will allow parents to opt their children out of receiving an education. “I believe that it is within the civil rights of a family to decide to not have their child learn how to read, write, or do basic mathematics," said principal Micah Hirokawa, emphasizing that parents know best whether or not their children should learn.

Notes App Finally Gets Mileage In Midst Of Breakup | Feb 05 2021

Sources report that the Notes app on sophomore Kayla Guzman’s phone is finally getting mileage in the midst of a breakup. “When I was in a committed relationship and my emotional state was stable, I hardly even knew that the Notes app was a thing,” said Guzman.

Internal Group Tensions Really Coming Through In College Improv Scene | Feb 05 2021

During the latest performance by campus comedy group The Laughing Grizzlies, internal group tensions were really coming through in their improv scenes. “Gather round you lazy fucks!” yelled club president Julie McBride ‘23 to her ensemble mates in a scene supposedly about sleepy museum night guards.

Developing Drinking Habit Ideal Response To COVID-19, CDC Announces | Oct 30 2020

During a White House press conference last Tuesday, CDC Director Robert Redfield stated that developing a drinking habit is the ideal response to COVID-19. “When evaluating responses to this pandemic, we’ve found that the most effective response is forming a chemical dependency on alcohol,” Redfield said in a nationally televised briefing.