Xander's articles
Sources report that local white family the McKinnons have given Ryan, their German Shepherd, the only normal name in the household.
“Ryan has been and always will be a source of love and happiness in this family,” said Kennaugh McKinnon, who, with his wife Oaklynn, named his children using strings of nonsense syllables.
A public elementary school in Utah has announced that it will allow parents to opt their children out of receiving an education.
“I believe that it is within the civil rights of a family to decide to not have their child learn how to read, write, or do basic mathematics," said principal Micah Hirokawa, emphasizing that parents know best whether or not their children should learn.
Sources report that the Notes app on sophomore Kayla Guzman’s phone is finally getting mileage in the midst of a breakup.
“When I was in a committed relationship and my emotional state was stable, I hardly even knew that the Notes app was a thing,” said Guzman.
During the latest performance by campus comedy group The Laughing Grizzlies, internal group tensions were really coming through in their improv scenes.
“Gather round you lazy fucks!” yelled club president Julie McBride ‘23 to her ensemble mates in a scene supposedly about sleepy museum night guards.
During a White House press conference last Tuesday, CDC Director Robert Redfield stated that developing a drinking habit is the ideal response to COVID-19.
“When evaluating responses to this pandemic, we’ve found that the most effective response is forming a chemical dependency on alcohol,” Redfield said in a nationally televised briefing.
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