On Friday, archaeologists discovered an ancient tablet that imparted the disturbing revelation that Jesus turned way more stuff into fish than was necessary.
“The Bible tells us that Jesus fed the multitude, producing loaves and fish from out of nowhere,” said Nina Cydzik, lead archaeologist on the site of the discovery. “What it didn’t mention was that the crowd only went for the bread. They actually asked him to stop it with the fish trick, like, three or four times.”
Experts report that the tablet, translated from early Hebrew, contains the parable: “When Jesus saw the large crowd, he said, ‘I have compassion for these people; I do not want to send them away hungry, or without vast quantities of fish.’ To which his disciples replied: ‘The people are grateful, O Lord, but they say they’ll pass on the fish.’ And Jesus said unto the crowd, ‘Maybe you could take some home with you.’"
“Nothing was safe,” continued Cydzik. “Not grains, or houses, or dogs. And it could happen at any time. Jesus would get up during meals, in the middle of the night, or even during prayer to go turn things into fish.”
When pressed, Cydzik admitted that these discoveries have led experts to believe that the healing of Lazarus may have been “an ungodly resuscitation of a collection of fish in the shape of a man.”