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In an attempt to make the ocean just a little bit smaller, a team of divers led by the National Ocean and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) undertook a mission last month to investigate new, unexplored regions of the ocean as well as new, unexplored regions of human sexuality.
With large, powerful equipment, the team agreed that they felt very prepared to penetrate new regions, both in a sexual way and a science way. Though the team of NOAA scientists did most of their work submerged in water, some of the radical probes, oceanographic and sexy, also took place on the seafloor and in the submarines. “Due to the dark, cold environment, the organisms down there have to be astoundingly innovative in the ways that they move around and eat,” explained Sandy. “Similarly, it’s amazing to see how creatively your team of divers manages to have intercourse in such intense conditions. It’s awesome.”
Though the mission was a success overall, the divers expressed the difficulty of reconciling the complete freedom of the abyss with the time limit. “On the one hand, being somewhere so remote and secluded frees up all your sexual inhibitions,” continued Sandy. “On the other hand, you know you have to work quickly and efficiently before the air runs out. It’s a whole new kind of sexual experience that you just can’t get on the surface, or even at three kilometers deep.”
Over the two-month expedition off the coast of Hawaii, the team of scientists and divers successfully discovered four new species of deep-sea fish, as well as 77 new underwater sex positions. “The deep sea sponge is incredible,” said Sandy. “There’s also the white anemone, the long-legged shrimp, the squat lobster, the upside-down seahorse, the abyssopelagic plunge, and the oxygen tank spank, just to name a few.”
The NOAA team noted that the deep sea is the only truly pristine environment left on earth and in turn recognizes the importance of getting acquainted with this untouched landscape and its trove of mysterious creatures.
“I also fucked a starfish,” said Sandy.
