Sunday, December 17, 2017
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The Brown Noser

Lauren Stone

Writer

Lauren's articles

Confused Freshman Still Waiting To Be Told It’s Bath Time | Mar 17 2017

Six months into his first year at college, Nick McGhee ’20 is still waiting to be told that it’s bath time, sources report. “The first few Sundays, which is my bath night at home, I hid under my bed so they wouldn’t find me to take me to the tub," McGhee told reporters, adding that he was so excited to be “getting away with it”.

Sleazy Butterfly Hits On All The Caterpillars | Mar 17 2017

According to recent reports, a sleazy butterfly has been hitting on all of the caterpillars. Caterpillars have reported that while butterflies generally search for other butterfly mates after coming out of their cocoons, this particular one flutters around the green leaves that the caterpillars feed on every day.

Sea Captain Names Wife After Boat | Mar 17 2017

In a loving gesture, sea captain Artie McEachern has named his wife after his beautiful vessel of ten years, sources report. “This way, my boat will always be with me even when I have to be at home,” said McEachern, who has reportedly pinned a picture of his beloved boat on his wife, so he could look at it occasionally while he was at home.

Lifeguard Unimpressed With Beachgoers' Bodies | Apr 29 2016

Sources report that Brad Bradson, local lifeguard at Allenhurst Beach in Allenhurst, New Jersey, is unimpressed with the beachgoers’ bodies. “For instance, I am not impressed with that body,” said Bradson, pointing to a woman heading toward the water.

Astronaut Late To Space Again | Mar 11 2016

According to recent reports from NASA, astronaut Jason Bukowski was late to space for the fifth time since he was hired in April less than a year ago. During the first incident last May, Bukowski reportedly arrived 36 hours late to space, unshaven and seemingly frazzled, apologizing profusely, reporting that his wife had accidentally taken his rocket ship keys to work with her.

New Telescope Allows Scientists To See Parties Up Close | Mar 11 2016

After many years of failed attempts, a team of scientists at Aker Observatory in Safford, Arizona has finally designed a new telescope that allows them to see parties up close. Until this point, scientists have only been able to make theoretical predictions about the nature of parties.

Animal Farm Is Not An Allegory For The Russian Revolution | Mar 11 2016

Probably everyone who reads "Animal Farm" by George Orwell can agree that it is very sad when Boxer the draft horse dies and is sent to be turned to glue. But something not everyone can agree on is whether "Animal Farm" is an allegory for the Russian Revolution. I, specifically, do not agree with this frankly ill-conceived idea.

Divers Explore New Regions of Ocean, Sexuality | Oct 30 2015

In an attempt to make the ocean just a little bit smaller, a team of divers led by the National Ocean and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) undertook a mission last month to investigate new, unexplored regions of the ocean as well as new, unexplored regions of human sexuality.

Body Heat Dissipates Fastest Through Gaping Hole In Head, Study Finds | Oct 06 2015

According to a study released last Wednesday by the American Medical Association, body heat escapes fastest through the giant open hole in the back of the head. The study found that, in ascending order, heat escapes fastest through the hands, feet, left eye, right eye, mouth, and finally the gaping head hole, noting that head hole was by far the biggest heat loser by an order of magnitude.

Chameleons Could Be Very Common, Scientists Suggest | Oct 06 2015

According to a report released last week, chameleons could actually be very common. “I mean think about it,” said lead author Kirk Pickle. “Those fuckers can turn any color in like a second and they blend right in! You put one on a table—bam!—table-colored.

Mom Turns Volume Dial Down By One | Oct 06 2015

Citing it as a repeat offense, children of local mom Susan reported that she turned the radio dial down by one. “We were in the car, all listening to the radio,” recalled her daughter Meghan. “She must have thought that the song was too loud, because she turned the volume down by one.

Report: 60% of Americans Can't Locate America On This Map I Drew | Oct 06 2015

According to a recent report, 60 percent of Americans can’t locate America on this map that I drew. “It’s a pretty scary statistic,” I said about the report. “What does this say about the priorities of our education system? What does this say about the future of America? Nothing good.

Man Designs Three-Month Bragging Plan For Upcoming Marathon | Apr 24 2015

Local man Mike Palamara announced last week that he has designed a rigorous three-month bragging plan for his upcoming marathon. “A lot of people don’t realize just how demanding bragging for a marathon can be," said a beaming Palamara. "There are a lot of different aspects to a full bragging plan, but my design really maximizes all of them.

Area Man No Longer Pretending He's Not Pretending To Be Something He's Not | Mar 06 2015

Claiming that he was finally turning over a new leaf, area man Nathan Enriquez announced triumphantly last Thursday that he’s no longer pretending he’s not pretending to be something he’s not. “I used to pretend that I wasn’t pretending to be something I’m not.

Gut Trying To Earn Man’s Trust Back | Dec 05 2014

After years of motivating poor personal and professional decisions, reports indicate that area man Peter Ortega’s gut is now trying to earn his trust back. “Me am gut. Peter trust gut before. Trust gut on everything,” said Ortega’s belly.

Kellogg’s Introduces Mascot With Healthy Relationship With Cereal | Dec 03 2014

In an attempt to target a new demographic, Kellogg’s announced Thursday that it will introduce a new mascot who has a normal, healthy relationship with cereal. Kellogg’s explained it had the “crazy people who would kill for cereal” demographic already covered and wanted to reach out to the people who just treat cereal like regular food.