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The Brown Noser

Doctor Prescribes Medical Weed To Terminally Uptight Square

Published Friday, April 9th, 2021

Approving a desperate clinical intervention in the absence of any other viable treatment options, area doctor Leila Nader prescribed terminally uptight square Thomas Fogel medical cannabis to save his life.

“Thomas is by all other measures a perfectly healthy young man, but he’s a total fucking melvin,” Nader explained, frowning as she flipped through a clipboard of Fogel’s medical history. “He’s terminally lame and square — we’re talking a severe affliction. I knew there was only one thing that could mellow him before he literally died from having fucked vibes: some of that sticky-icky. I prescribed it for him immediately when he came in.”

“Thomas might experience some discomfort from the treatment, like coughing painfully or getting so high he gets scared," Nader said, using her clipboard chart to show photos of Fogel in treatment being handed a medical bong by a nurse. “It’s important to remember these effects are his fault, on account of being a massive and utter dweeb. These residual symptoms of being an annoying loser should subside as his personality and vibe recover through the regular ingestion of good marijuana. But I’m confident Thomas can get to a place where life is worth living.”

At press time, Fogel was showing signs of recovery after expressing interest in a Grateful Dead t-shirt despite never having listened to the band.

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