Tuesday, September 25, 2018
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The Brown Noser

Dozens Of Inebriated Freshman Carried Off By EMS To Be Fed To Gothrak The Glutton

Published Friday, September 15th, 2017

In what has become an unfortunate annual trend at Brown, several dozen inebriated freshman were carted off by Brown’s emergency medical staff last weekend to be fed to Gothrak, the Great Glutton.

Upperclassmen are all too familiar with the cliched ritual: freshmen go out to parties on their first free night, drink a bit too much, have to be carted off in an EMS ambulance and are driven fifteen minutes away to Gothrak’s cavernous sacrificial chamber where friends usually pick up their remains a few hours later. Sources report that roughly 31 new Brunonians required medical assistance for excessive drinking this time around, which was provided for by the life-ending embrace of The Glutton’s great gnashing jaws. The weekend’s events serve as a reminder of the lack of education students come to campus with regarding their own drinking limits or Gothrak’s unending hunger for ripe human tribute.

“We really need more alcohol awareness programs for freshman,” said George Furland, an EMS technician regularly tasked with searching through Gorthrak, the Corpulent King’s ‘pestilent pile’ for fresh human remains. “It’s a vicious cycle of social irresponsibility, coupled with a never-ending bloodlust by the almighty Covetous Carnivore himself.”

Those close to the victims voiced their regret for not noticing the signs that their friends had too much to drink. “Amanda’s a great girl, and we were drinking together,” recalled fellow freshman Linda Li. “But I’ve learned not everyone has the same tolerance levels, except of course Gothrak the Glutton, who forever starves for the flesh and entrails of collegiate debutants.”

Campus administration expects the number of EMS calls to decline after a few weeks, as is common when students are forced to step over the bones of The Swallowed as they walk to class. When asked to comment, President Paxson stressed the steps Brown will take to address the alcohol problem. “We are doing our best to raise awareness of responsible alcohol use,” said Paxson. “Together we can reduce the number of EMS interventions and instead satiate the Great Glutton’s yearning with students caught in the possession of marijuana.”

At press time, EMS members were baking leftover remains into a mighty “souffle of plentiful suffering” to hold Gothrak over during the week.

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