Telling sources he ‘could’ve sworn he had his key,’ freshman Keaton Jefferson has reportedly gotten locked out of the Brown University campus. “This sucks even more because my laptop and notes are all in there,” says Jefferson, seen idly leaning against a stone wall outside one of several entrances to Brown’s 140 acre campus.
Students working out at the Bear’s Lair gym on Sunday were quick to note that amateur bodybuilder Damon Chen was really starting to fill out the room.
“I can’t say it’s not impressive,” said Blaire Whitman, who stopped doing lunges after beholding the sheer size of Chen as he navigated the weight room.
Students in Friedman Auditorium grew concerned as visiting music lecturer Eric Westwood began holding a high C on his trumpet and would not stop until every one of them stood up in applause.
Westwood was reportedly giving an example of improvisation when he landed on a very high note, at which point he began requesting an ovation.
Unsure of whether he was a part of a bad joke or a sad turning point in a student’s semester, Physics TA Rhian Paul reports that one of his students submitted a Ratty omelet order form in place of their recent problem set. “I realized they probably made a mistake when I found the 4”x5” slip of paper peaking out of the stack of normal pages,” said Paul, who remembers laughing before he realized the student hadn’t turned in anything besides a request for a whole-egg, tomatoes and mushrooms, hold-the-cheese omelet.
Sources report that Professor Linda Hankin immediately regretted telling her lecture class that “there are no stupid questions,” as the declaration was directly followed by a very stupid question.
“Please speak up if there’s anything that’s unclear,” said Hankin, unaware that she was opening herself up to be asked one of the most lazy, brainless questions of all time.
This Sunday, a resident of Grad Center A reported that a misleading beam of sunlight momentarily made their single room look like an inviting and comfortable place to live. “For a few minutes, the golden ray of sunshine lit up the room, making the bleak, pockmarked wall look warm and homey,” said the anonymous resident, forgetting their shitty, disruptive hallmates and the rock-hard, dirt-caked, teal carpet.
Visitors to Jeff Worley’s New Dorm single this semester were reportedly pleased with the number of tissue boxes placed around the room, enough to be convenient but not creepy.
“When I saw a third tissue box on his desk, I thought ‘Hey! Is Jeff some creep who needs four or five tissue boxes because he uses so many tissues?’” said classmate Greg Chelimo.
Local resident Jacques Claremont, whose father passed away this summer, has released his dad’s wish for his ashes to be scattered on Jacques’ son, Sam, while he sleeps.
“My father was such a loving and funny man,” said Jacques, watching Sam take a nap and wondering if it would be a good time to pour a full vase of powdery human remains on the fourteen-year-old boy.
A comprehensive national study has uncovered the fact that absolutely no teenagers in today’s society remember the iconic Hindenburg Disaster.
“It just goes to show how difficult it is keeping these kids informed,” says local historian Bob Smallet, admiring a photograph of the famous zeppelin accident.
Halt Barnaby. Please come no further with your inquiry. Can you not see that I am knee deep in my times tables? You’ve come at an inopportune moment and I must ask you to leave.
Oh fie, you have not left, Barnaby! Yes, I do quite understand you have arranged a nice ball and stick match for us outside, but I have more pressing matters to attend to.
In what has become an unfortunate annual trend at Brown, several dozen inebriated freshman were carted off by Brown’s emergency medical staff last weekend to be fed to Gothrak, the Great Glutton.
Upperclassmen are all too familiar with the cliched ritual: freshmen go out to parties on their first free night, drink a bit too much, have to be carted off in an EMS ambulance and are driven fifteen minutes away to Gothrak’s cavernous sacrificial chamber where friends usually pick up their remains a few hours later.
Spurred by last year’s tough loss, Scripps National Spelling Bee runner-up Rohan Rajeev has been hitting the weight room hard in preparation for the upcoming spelling season.
“After the finals, Rohan was pretty distraught,” said Rajeev’s mother, who initially feared her son was neglecting his dictionary work, but has since been inspired by her son’s pursuit of excellence.
After busting into a middle school classroom unannounced, famed actor Keanu Reaves produced a fidget spinner and loudly exclaimed that if the rotating toy stops spinning, it will explode. “Everyone get down!” shouted the action film veteran to a room of screaming adolescents.
Exhausted from providing a full year’s worth of therapeutic visits and petting sessions, emotional support dog Scuppers is embarking on a week just for herself.
“Caring for others is tough work,” says Scuppers’ trainer and spokesperson Faye Anderson.
Before I begin, let me say that I like my doctor. He always asks about my family and greets me with a smile. But I’m starting to become concerned about the can of Chef Boyardee he faithfully produces in the middle of all my check-ups.
Listen, I’m not one to judge what my doctor eats.
In what is being considered a cornerstone discussion synthesizing the state of U.S. politics under a new administration, the Joukowsky Forum’s recent panel featured five political science professors sighing with their heads in their hands.
“They say silence can be more powerful than words, and this discussion literally contained no words,” said IR concentrator and audience member Ethan Homme ’18.
In what is considered a long-awaited move to promote societal relevance, Brown’s Department of Modern Culture and Media has announced plans to accommodate a new focus track in dank memes.
“It’s a reflection of the new ways in which media is approached academically,” says Jane Reuter ’18, full-time Redditor and part-time MCM student.
Noting the overwhelming scent of formaldehyde, visitors at the new Westview Park Zoo reported that every animal in the zoo is clearly taxidermied.
“I’m sure all of the animals are just stuffed,” said Meryl Pena, standing by the African plains exhibit.
After witnessing a performance of Johann Sebastian Bach’s “Prelude in D Minor” that was poorly executed, out of tune, and lacking in basic musical understanding, sources confirm that amateur Guitar Player Adam Carlo’s weird long fingernail must not be helping at all.
Unsure of whether to be frustrated or ashamed, area man Don Garfield came to the realization Tuesday that his belt did not fit this time, even though it most definitely fit last time. “I thought it would fit this time, you know? Because it fit last time,” said a distraught Garfield, commenting with his trousers at his ankles because his belt did not, in fact, fit at that moment.