In what has become an unfortunate annual trend at Brown, several dozen inebriated freshman were carted off by Brown’s emergency medical staff last weekend to be fed to Gothrak, the Great Glutton.
Upperclassmen are all too familiar with the cliched ritual: freshmen go out to parties on their first free night, drink a bit too much, have to be carted off in an EMS ambulance and are driven fifteen minutes away to Gothrak’s cavernous sacrificial chamber where friends usually pick up their remains a few hours later.
Spurred by last year’s tough loss, Scripps National Spelling Bee runner-up Rohan Rajeev has been hitting the weight room hard in preparation for the upcoming spelling season.
“After the finals, Rohan was pretty distraught,” said Rajeev’s mother, who initially feared her son was neglecting his dictionary work, but has since been inspired by her son’s pursuit of excellence.
After busting into a middle school classroom unannounced, famed actor Keanu Reaves produced a fidget spinner and loudly exclaimed that if the rotating toy stops spinning, it will explode. “Everyone get down!” shouted the action film veteran to a room of screaming adolescents.
Exhausted from providing a full year’s worth of therapeutic visits and petting sessions, emotional support dog Scuppers is embarking on a week just for herself.
“Caring for others is tough work,” says Scuppers’ trainer and spokesperson Faye Anderson.
Before I begin, let me say that I like my doctor. He always asks about my family and greets me with a smile. But I’m starting to become concerned about the can of Chef Boyardee he faithfully produces in the middle of all my check-ups.
Listen, I’m not one to judge what my doctor eats.
In what is being considered a cornerstone discussion synthesizing the state of U.S. politics under a new administration, the Joukowsky Forum’s recent panel featured five political science professors sighing with their heads in their hands.
“They say silence can be more powerful than words, and this discussion literally contained no words,” said IR concentrator and audience member Ethan Homme ’18.
In what is considered a long-awaited move to promote societal relevance, Brown’s Department of Modern Culture and Media has announced plans to accommodate a new focus track in dank memes.
“It’s a reflection of the new ways in which media is approached academically,” says Jane Reuter ’18, full-time Redditor and part-time MCM student.
Noting the overwhelming scent of formaldehyde, visitors at the new Westview Park Zoo reported that every animal in the zoo is clearly taxidermied.
“I’m sure all of the animals are just stuffed,” said Meryl Pena, standing by the African plains exhibit.
After witnessing a performance of Johann Sebastian Bach’s “Prelude in D Minor” that was poorly executed, out of tune, and lacking in basic musical understanding, sources confirm that amateur Guitar Player Adam Carlo’s weird long fingernail must not be helping at all.
Unsure of whether to be frustrated or ashamed, area man Don Garfield came to the realization Tuesday that his belt did not fit this time, even though it most definitely fit last time. “I thought it would fit this time, you know? Because it fit last time,” said a distraught Garfield, commenting with his trousers at his ankles because his belt did not, in fact, fit at that moment.