Friday, October 20, 2017
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The Brown Noser

Pablo Ortiz

Writer

Pablo's articles

Dozens Of Inebriated Freshman Carried Off By EMS To Be Fed To Gothrak The Glutton | Sep 15 2017

In what has become an unfortunate annual trend at Brown, several dozen inebriated freshman were carted off by Brown’s emergency medical staff last weekend to be fed to Gothrak, the Great Glutton. Upperclassmen are all too familiar with the cliched ritual: freshmen go out to parties on their first free night, drink a bit too much, have to be carted off in an EMS ambulance and are driven fifteen minutes away to Gothrak’s cavernous sacrificial chamber where friends usually pick up their remains a few hours later.

Spelling Bee Runner-Up Rohan Rajeev Hits Weight Room Hard In Offseason | Sep 15 2017

Spurred by last year’s tough loss, Scripps National Spelling Bee runner-up Rohan Rajeev has been hitting the weight room hard in preparation for the upcoming spelling season. “After the finals, Rohan was pretty distraught,” said Rajeev’s mother, who initially feared her son was neglecting his dictionary work, but has since been inspired by her son’s pursuit of excellence.

Keanu Reaves’ Fidget Spinner To Explode If It Stops Spinning | Sep 15 2017

After busting into a middle school classroom unannounced, famed actor Keanu Reaves produced a fidget spinner and loudly exclaimed that if the rotating toy stops spinning, it will explode. “Everyone get down!” shouted the action film veteran to a room of screaming adolescents.

Overworked Emotional Support Animal Takes “Me Week” | Sep 15 2017

Exhausted from providing a full year’s worth of therapeutic visits and petting sessions, emotional support dog Scuppers is embarking on a week just for herself. “Caring for others is tough work,” says Scuppers’ trainer and spokesperson Faye Anderson.

I’m Beginning To Find It Unprofessional That My Doctor Pulls Out A Can Of Chef Boyardee During All My Check Ups | Sep 15 2017

Before I begin, let me say that I like my doctor. He always asks about my family and greets me with a smile. But I’m starting to become concerned about the can of Chef Boyardee he faithfully produces in the middle of all my check-ups. Listen, I’m not one to judge what my doctor eats.

Joukowsky Panel Just Political Science Professors Sighing With Heads In Hands | Apr 21 2017

In what is being considered a cornerstone discussion synthesizing the state of U.S. politics under a new administration, the Joukowsky Forum’s recent panel featured five political science professors sighing with their heads in their hands. “They say silence can be more powerful than words, and this discussion literally contained no words,” said IR concentrator and audience member Ethan Homme ’18.

MCM Department Expands To Accommodate A Third Track In Dank Memes | Nov 04 2016

In what is considered a long-awaited move to promote societal relevance, Brown’s Department of Modern Culture and Media has announced plans to accommodate a new focus track in dank memes. “It’s a reflection of the new ways in which media is approached academically,” says Jane Reuter ’18, full-time Redditor and part-time MCM student.

Every Animal In Zoo Clearly Taxidermed | Dec 04 2015

Noting the overwhelming scent of formaldehyde, visitors at the new Westview Park Zoo reported that every animal in the zoo is clearly taxidermied. “I’m sure all of the animals are just stuffed,” said Meryl Pena, standing by the African plains exhibit.

Weird Long Fingernail Not Helping Guitar Player At All | Oct 30 2015

After witnessing a performance of Johann Sebastian Bach’s “Prelude in D Minor” that was poorly executed, out of tune, and lacking in basic musical understanding, sources confirm that amateur Guitar Player Adam Carlo’s weird long fingernail must not be helping at all.

Belt Fit Last Time | Oct 30 2015

Unsure of whether to be frustrated or ashamed, area man Don Garfield came to the realization Tuesday that his belt did not fit this time, even though it most definitely fit last time. “I thought it would fit this time, you know? Because it fit last time,” said a distraught Garfield, commenting with his trousers at his ankles because his belt did not, in fact, fit at that moment.