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The Brown Noser

Drone Operator Levels Up

Published Friday, April 25th, 2014

Reports from a secret military facility in New Mexico indicate that local drone operator Jonathan Fremont has leveled up, after taking out a convoy of Al-Qaeda militants in Pakistan earlier this afternoon.

“It was a real grind, but I’m excited to have finally reached Level 21 in unmanned aerial vehicle combat,” Fremont said as he watched the replay of the killing on his computer screen and reached for a celebratory Red Bull. “I’m not sure exactly how many it took to get the level, but I must have killed between 20 and 30 of these suckers and wasn’t even halfway."

“I was originally camped out in the mountains near Hyderabad, but ran out of enemies and had to move west,” continued Fremont, who was playing live with thousands of other U.S. drone operators around the world. “Found a treasure trove outside Bela and just stuck it out. Feeling good.”

Reaching Level 21 will reportedly grant Fremont several perks, including extra munitions, an increased blast radius, and a brand new RQ-7 Shadow UAV. His taking out of multiple enemies also earned him the “Blastmaster” special achievement, which will bolster his chances of being acquitted in a court martial from 25 percent to 50 percent.

At press time, Fremont had just received notice that he’d actually killed a group of civilians and not militants as he’d previously thought.

“This is terrible, truly a tragedy,” Fremont said, upon hearing the news of his fatal error. “And to think I was only 20 targeted killings away from beating xXsTeElErSfAn99 for the high score in my division.”

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