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“I don’t think any mistakes were made,” commented Officer Phillip Franklin, codename Lil’ Frontera. “When you’re on the job, you have to prove to your fellow cartel members that you belong. You don’t have time to stop and consider whether or not every member of this drug cartel is also an undercover cop when you’re violently earning your cartel tats.”
The U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency held a press conference this morning to apologize for the creation of the Blood Eagle, a drug cartel composed entirely of miscommunicating undercover police officers.
“Right, Bloody Hammer?” he said to his Chief Officer Jared Peterson, known undercover for using his perpetually bloody hammer to complete “basement jobs.”
According to Peterson, all officers involved were correctly following protocol.
“My officers followed orders perfectly. I ordered them to go into the field and do their duty to their country,” said Peterson, dunking a donut with his machete. “And their duty to their country was following my orders and shooting up our rival cartel outside a drug store when they were infringing on my goddamn territory.”
The undercover effort reportedly yielded a record number of arrests of undercover officers. Officials admit they would consider employing similar strategies elsewhere.
“We wanted to send more officers down South, past the Mexican border,” continued Peterson, yanking his low riding officer pants over his boxers. “To expand my cartel, and bust up the drug trade. But we had to scram because Border Control swooped in. Turns out they were busting up a tunnel made by illegal immigrant smuggling rings made entirely of undercover Republican Senators.”
