Enjoy the future, dear readers. There’s lots to look forward to.
You might notice that the Noser in your hands looks a bit different. You better notice. We worked hard on that. It’s sleeker, it’s sexier, it’s beefier,
and most importantly, it embodies the spirit of the new decade. That’s
right. We’re bringing The Noser into the twentieth century.
The paper looks different, yes. But have you checked out our Instagram
@thebrownnoser? That’s right. We’re going viral! And that’s not all. Oh no.
Here’s what we have in store for you in 2020:
• A hot new website.
• Three more newspapers every week.
• GIFs instead of pictures.
• Now, all the jokes are true. If we write a joke, it will happen.
• Little robots that will follow you around and read The Noser to you so you can go about your day hands-free.
• We paid a bunch of moms to name their babies “Noser.” In the year 2040, one dozen Nosers will write for The Noser. To us, that’s beautiful.
• Twitter! If you haven’t hear of it, it’s sort of like Facebook, but with a twist. Follow us @thebrownnoser99. Don’t follow the other 98 Brown Nosers. Those are all fan accounts.
• Everyone gets their own personal Noser writer. Reach out to yours at firstname.lastname@example.org.
• Weekly ragers. At our castle. You’re all invited!
• We’ll tuck you in every night and read you jokes until you fall asleep.
• Christina Paxson has promised to give all of our readers free money. Bring this issue to her office to get yours.