Sunday, September 15, 2019
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The Brown Noser

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Exclusive Dinner For Brown’s Middle-Class Students Just Two Room Temperature Pizzas in Kasper Multipurpose Room | Mar 08 2019

According to an exposé published in the Providence Journal this morning, Brown’s administration has been sanctioning an exclusive, annual dinner for the University’s middle-class students. Sources report the dinner consists of two room temperature cheese pizzas in the Kasper Multipurpose Room.

Marty Granoff Bummed Those Narcs Ratted On His Sweet Kickback | Dec 07 2018

After reading the Providence Journal article about his exclusive, extravagant dinner parties, Brown University donor and trustee Marty Granoff reported that those narcs shouldn’t have ratted on the cool little kickback he threw for his friends. “Those fucking snitches,” Granoff complained, crumpling up his copy of the ProJo and angrily smashing a bottle of champagne on the ground.

Undercover Journalist In Top Hat, Monocle Blending In Perfectly At Granoff Dinner | Dec 07 2018

Adjusting his monocle and top hat, undercover student-journalist Trevor Freet breathed a sigh of relief upon seeing that he blended in perfectly with the high-class guests at the Granoff Dinner. “I told the man at the door ‘Tally-ho, gent!’ and he let me right in,” said Freet, waving away a cloud of cigar smoke as he spoke quietly into a hidden recorder.

“Brown Promise” Just Paxson Telling People Not To Repay Their Loans | Sep 15 2017

Shrugging her shoulders and explaining that there’s probably no way the loan people can track you down, Brown University President Christina Paxson explained the “Brown Promise” vision of just not paying your loans back. “There are 6,400 of you guys, and if you all agree to not repay your loans, there’s no way they can punish all of you,” said Paxson, adding that she couldn’t believe no one had thought of this before.

Clinton Debuts New American Flag Pantsuit | Sep 16 2016


Because Of An Internal Error, We Are Publishing This Article | Oct 06 2015

Unfortunately, in the process of writing, editing, and copy-editing this article, we experienced an internal error that resulted in this article being published. At every point in the long process it took to bring these words to you, we had planned to delete this article, and due to the error we did not do that and instead published it here on our website.

Murderers Urge Nonviolence | Dec 03 2014

In the wake of the grand jury ruling against the indictment of NYPD officer Daniel Pantaleo, those complicit in the murder of Eric Garner urged protesters to remain orderly and nonviolent. NYPD Commissioner William J. Bratton, under whose command an officer killed an unarmed black man needlessly and with impunity, told those unhappy with the decision to remain peaceable in their protests of the violent assault.

Coal Companies Thrilled University Finally Acknowledges Their Voices | Oct 27 2013

Leaders in the coal industry expressed gratitude this afternoon that President Christina Paxson and university administrators have respected their opinions in deciding not to divest from companies that mine and use coal. “It’s so rewarding to be heard by those in power,” said John Eaves, CEO of Arch Coal.