Smiling from ear to ear while eagerly listing all the things he’s looking forward to in college, Fox News host Tucker Carlson retracted the bitter comments he made in a televised segment slamming Brown last week after finally getting accepted to the University’s incoming freshman class.
You might notice that the Noser in your hands looks a bit different. You better notice. We worked hard on that. It’s sleeker, it’s sexier, it’s beefier,
and most importantly, it embodies the spirit of the new decade. That’s
right. We’re bringing The Noser into the twentieth century.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 21): You’re feeling confident and energetic today. Help out a friend.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20): Your energy has been imbued with generosity recently. Be sure to help out when your friends are in need!
Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20): When you get stuck in a rut, your soul shrivels.
In an lengthy email to the entire student body this morning regarding Christina Paxson’s recent term extension, University Chancellor Samuel M. Mencoff snuck in a bullet point about Paxson’s dreamy eyes. “Paxson has both engaged and encouraged the academic community at Brown by peering at us during convocations, faculty luncheons, and other events with those striking, calm, chocolate gumdrops,” Mencoff gushed in the email, in between a bullet point praising Paxson’s sustainability efforts and alumni engagement, unaware that he had typed it and not just thought it like he does every day.
After receiving news that the Corporation extended President Christina Paxson’s term through 2025, thousands of overjoyed students from all corners of campus flowed onto the Main Green to hoist their glorious President in the air in a raucous celebration of her prosperous, everlasting reign.
A new report has found that all of your hottest, most successful friends follow The Brown Noser on Instagram. “There’s no doubt about it—the sexiest, most high-achieving individuals in your social circle all have one thing in common: following The Brown Noser’s Instagram account, @thebrownnoser,” the report stated, adding that the hottest, coolest friends took it a step further and liked every post from the account.
Slapping his palm to his forehead in a moment of befuddled realization, Shiru Cafe manager Jed Pebbles suddenly felt pretty dumb after he learned that other coffee shops had been charging for drinks this whole time.
“Ohhhhhh,” Pebbles said to himself softly after becoming aware of other coffee shops’ business models.
According to an exposé published in the Providence Journal this morning, Brown’s administration has been sanctioning an exclusive, annual dinner for the University’s middle-class students. Sources report the dinner consists of two room temperature cheese pizzas in the Kasper Multipurpose Room.
After reading the Providence Journal article about his exclusive, extravagant dinner parties, Brown University donor and trustee Marty Granoff reported that those narcs shouldn’t have ratted on the cool little kickback he threw for his friends.
“Those fucking snitches,” Granoff complained, crumpling up his copy of the ProJo and angrily smashing a bottle of champagne on the ground.
Adjusting his monocle and top hat, undercover student-journalist Trevor Freet breathed a sigh of relief upon seeing that he blended in perfectly with the high-class guests at the Granoff Dinner. “I told the man at the door ‘Tally-ho, gent!’ and he let me right in,” said Freet, waving away a cloud of cigar smoke as he spoke quietly into a hidden recorder.
Shrugging her shoulders and explaining that there’s probably no way the loan people can track you down, Brown University President Christina Paxson explained the “Brown Promise” vision of just not paying your loans back. “There are 6,400 of you guys, and if you all agree to not repay your loans, there’s no way they can punish all of you,” said Paxson, adding that she couldn’t believe no one had thought of this before.
Unfortunately, in the process of writing, editing, and copy-editing this article, we experienced an internal error that resulted in this article being published. At every point in the long process it took to bring these words to you, we had planned to delete this article, and due to the error we did not do that and instead published it here on our website.
In the wake of the grand jury ruling against the indictment of NYPD officer Daniel Pantaleo, those complicit in the murder of Eric Garner urged protesters to remain orderly and nonviolent.
NYPD Commissioner William J. Bratton, under whose command an officer killed an unarmed black man needlessly and with impunity, told those unhappy with the decision to remain peaceable in their protests of the violent assault.
Leaders in the coal industry expressed gratitude this afternoon that President Christina Paxson and university administrators have respected their opinions in deciding not to divest from companies that mine and use coal.
“It’s so rewarding to be heard by those in power,” said John Eaves, CEO of Arch Coal.