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Egypt yesterday devolved further into chaos as warring factions continued to battle for control over the ancient pyramids, or who gets to be the pharaoh, or something along those lines, probably.
“On the one side, we have the government, headed by a distant ancestor of Cleopatra, or maybe Ramses II,” explained national security expert Richard Tomkey. “They’re trying to get the pyramids back, conceivably, after the rebels hid them in the Sahara Desert. Or maybe the Sinai Desert. Or maybe under the Nile River.”
Added Tomkey, “The rebels are united by their worship of Moses. Or maybe they worship King Tut. We’re not sure.”
There are unconfirmed media reports of widespread massacres by the rebels, who are seeking to worship the Sun God Ra, or to use non-government-approved hieroglyphs, or possibly both. The government has responded by brutally mummifying rebel leaders.
“There’s definitely a civil war of some kind going on, I’m pretty certain,” explained Professor of Egyptology Jill Suskind. “The government could have a big advantage if it has in fact obtained Joseph’s magical dream coat. And it’s not inconceivable that the antigovernment forces are hiding inside a giant sphinx.”
President Obama, for his part, preached caution. “The United States will support all those in Egypt who believe in democracy and the rule of law, if they’ve even heard of democracy over in Egypt,” said Obama. “But we will refrain from the use of force until absolutely necessary, especially if this turns out to be some kind of Jewish slave revolt.”
As of press time, Egypt was being conquered by Rome, or breaking up into four smaller African countries, or whatever the hell it is that actually happened to Egypt.
