Local eight-year-old Henry Clemmens’s lollipop valentines are going to get him way more dates than his nemesis’s sticker valentines this year. “Last year I brought in 3D valentines and Benji brought in glow-stick valentines. No one even cared that I specifically picked each card with the 3D Paw Patrol character that matched their personality,” said Clemmens, licking this year’s envelopes shut with envious fury. “This year, the whole class is going to be talking about the lollipop valentines my mom picked out, and I will get way more dates than Benji. I mean, please, stickers? What are we, first graders? And if the lollipop happens to fall off Benji’s card and he doesn’t get one… Oops.” At press time, Clemmens was picking out his “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” shirt for St. Patrick’s day, which will get him way more girls to chase at recess than Benji’s plain shamrock tee.

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