Sources report that elderly man Harold Karls, who recently participated in the Woonsocket Marathon, is extremely bad at it. “Good for him, but honestly? This is hard to watch,” said spectator Sara Michaelson, cringing as the frail 80-year-old man moved at an astoundingly slow pace through the 26-mile event. “It’s admirable that he’s doing this, but he genuinely sucks at it.” At press time, the old man finally crossed the finish line to a smattering of patronizing cheers.

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