Sources near Franklin B. Pierce Elementary have reported that a group of boys have been treating The Guinness Book of World Records like it’s a sacred text. “Behold! The word of Guinness himself is upon us! Let us see what The Good Book says about the world’s longest tongue! Huzzah, the great miracle of the world’s tallest and smallest men side-by-side! May we protect this book of miracles at all costs!” said third grader Sam Millford, treating the glossy-bound world record compilation like it’s the holy book of an Abrahamic faith. “Hark, what have we here? Everyone, come, look! The most spoons taped to one’s shoulder blades while on Mt. Everest! My oh my, the Book is Good!” At press time, a gaggle of nearby boys was regarding Four Square like it was some sacred ritual.

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