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Facing over a dozen federal fraud charges, Elizabeth Holmes, the disgraced CEO of failed blood-testing startup Theranos, has petitioned the judge for a revolutionarily tiny drop of jail time.
“I’ve always been afraid of getting sentenced to prison because it’s no fun to take a big, scary amount of jail time,” pitched Holmes, fixing her unblinking stare on the judge and adjusting her black turtleneck. “That’s just not appealing to the consumer. That’s why I’ve created a system that allows me to receive an unbelievably tiny prison sentence. It’s painless and easy, and can be completed in just a few minutes.”
“My prison sentence will disrupt the justice system in a big way,” continued Holmes, already envisioning herself as the Steve Jobs of being convicted for fraud. “No one should have to give me a long, expensive prison sentence. It’s so much more convenient to achieve the exact same results with a teeny, almost microscopic bit of jail time.”
“Your Honor, the technology is already there. This development is a long time coming,” said Holmes, keeping her cool by imagining everyone in the room as retired Republican cabinet members and multibillionaire CEOs. “One nano-sized prison sentence changes everything. Will you take innovation into your own hands and sentence me to a shockingly small fraction of the twenty years I’m facing?”
At press time, Holmes was angling for a spot on Forbes’ 2022 list of 40 Female White Collar Criminals Under 40.
