Sources report that an emaciated polar bear featured alone on an ice floe in the most recent National Geographic issue is actually just grunge and anxious.

“As climate change wrecks our ecosystems, this thin, lonesome polar bear represents the starvation and catastrophic end of a once great species,” said the article, speaking about the polar bear who is actually just on the floe because the other polar bears only know his name, not his story. “He will certainly waste away as his food sources are decimated.”

“Look at how ragged his fur is. Surely he has struck out on his own for some time now,” continued the article, unaware that his hair is like that as a statement about anarchy, and the other polar bears make him too anxious. “It is such a travesty to see the mighty polar bear reduced to this state.”

At press time, the same sources report the dog who returned 3,000 miles back home actually did so because of the treats, not the owners.

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