Claiming that he’s already accomplished far more than his predecessor, Secretary of Veterans Affairs Robert A. McDonald told reporters last Wednesday that he has fucked so many veterans, more than you would believe. “Veterans Affairs. It means veterans have affairs with me. As a result, I fuck a lot of veterans,” said McDonald, who suggested that any skeptics check the bathroom on the third floor of the Veterans Affairs Department Building for the official tally. “God, I love this job.” At press time, McDonald was leaving with a group of Navy SEALs to prepare for a memorial service.

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