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According to an internal report of the research methods at Princeton Plainsboro Psychiatric Institute, the facility’s Rorschach test is faulty as every inkblot looks just like Mother crawling on the ceiling like a spider.
“We owe it to our patients to administer only the most up-to-date psychiatric tests,” said institute faculty member and author of the study, Dr. Craig Stern. “The Rorschach test works by recording what labels patients ascribe to abstract images. However, I’ve gone through all the images myself, and each one looks exactly like Mother in her nightdress crawling around my bedroom ceiling before scurrying down to caress my face. How are we supposed to know which patients need help addressing repressed trauma if our test is so faulty?”
In the report, Dr. Stern recommended an immediate suspension of the use of the Rorschach test, citing concerns that too many images of Spider Mother might draw Spider Mother to the facility.
“What makes this situation so dire is that, in this time of elevated stress, our patients are in need of effective diagnostic procedures,” continued Dr. Stern as he continually eyed the ceiling in search of Mother. “For example, inkblot 10 is the image that usually brings up repressed feelings of fear. But when I examined the image, all I saw was an exact representation of 100-eyed Mother shuffling about in celebration after capturing Father in her Mommy Web, not a blank canvas onto which I was to project my fears.”
At press time, Dr. Stern was fondly looking at a photo of his mom taken just days before she abandoned the family and left him to care for her dreaded pet tarantula.
