Friday, November 24, 2017
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The Brown Noser

Every Providence Basement the Sight Of At Least 15 Deaths

Published Friday, November 3rd, 2017

After releasing a report on the thousands of deaths that have taken place over the past two centuries, the Providence police confirmed that every creepy basement in Providence has seen at least 15 or so deaths.

“Statistics compiled from hundreds of murder and missing persons cases make it clear that the dark, unfinished basements of Providence have some of the highest murder rates in the world,” Providence police captain Colin Abbot said in a press conference, who added that no one was surprised that the horrifying floors were the sight of so unexplained deaths. “In fact, residents would find at least three or four bodies in their basement if they ever looked through the whole thing.”

Abott said that the deceased range from the original inhabitants to students who mysteriously died while retrieving laundry. He added that most of the deaths are unsolved.

“All we know is that people keep dying in those basements, and it doesn’t seem to be stopping. Deaths and parties. That’s about all those basements are used for.”

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