Sunday, December 17, 2017
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The Brown Noser

Every Water Bottle in Childhood Bedroom is Actually Vodka, Student Rediscovers Over Break

Published Friday, December 1st, 2017

While home for Thanksgiving break, Joshua Carlson discovered all the water bottles in his room were filled with vodka, sources confirm. Carlson completely forgot, but is definitely responsible.

“I got a jacket out of my closet and saw about twenty water bottles on the floor. I opened one: vodka. The next: peach vodka. It was twenty bottles of vodka,” Carlson detailed.

Carlson went on to explain that he never really drank in high school, and that most of the alcohol was stolen from events. He justified this behavior, claiming, “I never knew when I might need to start raging, so I stored as much as I could. I guess the raging never came.”

Upon further investigation Carlson found that the water bottles were all only partially filled, many had the wrappers ripped off entirely, and some had seemingly been fully discarded for recycling but were now repurposed. Carlson was surprised his parents didn’t confront him sooner.

“One of the plastic bottles was filled with spiced rum. I told my parents at the time it was iced tea,” Carlson admitted. “Between all these half-filled bottles, there must be four handles worth of hard alcohol.”

Carlson reports that he might bring a few back to school with him, just in case.

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