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According to sources inside the Eastchester New York Sports Club, everyone in the gym is moving as if exercising on ellipticals.
“Doesn’t matter if gym members are working out on treadmills, StairMasters or weight machines because they’re all swinging their legs and arms back and forth as if using ellipticals on level two resistance,” spin instructor Davin Creeley told reporters as he sped down the hallway as if exercising on a moving elliptical.
“The pool room is a mess because everyone’s walking across the pool and splashing water everywhere,” he added between pumps of his hands which mimed holding elliptical handles.
“I feel bad for the guys who have to untangle the swimming lanes and sop up the wet floor because they also can only swing their legs back and forth like elliptical robots, even when standing in place,” he said, narrowly avoiding another gym-goer also moving as if they were on an elliptical. "Everyone looks toned, though.”
At press time Creeley had joined gym members stripping naked and crowding into the sauna, all of whom were reportedly complimenting each other’s bodies as they moved their sweaty arms and legs with the slow precision of people using ellipticals on a high level of incline.
