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Following the revelation that Chompers the celebrity cow has contracted cow dementia, the nation has responded with an outpouring of support and awareness of the previously ignored cow disease.
“Before Chompers, victims of cow dementia in this society were basically invisible,” said veterinarian and cow specialist Holly Iverson. “But when people hear that the cow from ‘Kung Pow: Enter The Fist’ can’t act anymore, they sit up and take notice.”
Cow dementia has until now been taboo, discussed only behind closed doors, specifically those found in cow barns. Its victims have been shunned, left to wander the Vermont countryside until they starve to death or get strangled by barbed wire. Only now are people confronting the fact that millions of cows face the horrifying prospect of waking up and not even recognizing their farmer, or slaughterhouse worker, as the case may be.
“It’s like what happened with pig measles,” said Iverson. “For decades, the victims of this terrible plague were left to suffer in silence. But then one day the Geico pig’s blowing up like a balloon and suddenly you’ve got fundraisers and 5Ks from coast to coast.”
Added Iverson, “It’s kind of depressing when you think about it.”
Participants at the Cranston Fun Run For The Cows spoke of how the tragic case of Chompers had moved them to act. “Before this happened, I’ll admit I was totally ignorant of this terrible disease,” said race organizer Trent Harper. “But when I thought of that cow that I enjoyed so much in the raptor feeding scene in ‘Jurassic Park’ slowly lose his grip on reality, I realized this could happen to anyone. Even my neighbors. Only my cow neighbors, though. Not my people neighbors.”
Continued Iverson, “’Don’t have a cow, man. We’re talking to you, cow dementia.’ That is the slogan of this Fun Run.”
However, not everyone is happy about the nation’s sudden focus on CD. “Frankly, I think it’s bullshit,” said cow breeder Pat O’Keefe. “My cow had dementia for years and no one gave a damn. And now suddenly this cow gets all the attention just because he was the model for the Chick-fil-A cow? Too late, America. My Bessie died two years ago. She wandered into a water hole. It was comical, to be sure, but it was tragic as well.”
As of press time, the entire nation had been suddenly distracted by reports that the pet monkey from the first season of “Friends” is positively riddled with genital warts.
