Partly Cloudy, 64°
“This is where you’re living?” said everyone’s mother, in unison, at exactly noon on move-in day. “Alright, okay, we’ll see if this stays clean.”
“It’s kind of cramped,” all the mothers continued, as they exited each and every room to go grab dustbusters that they’d left in the car.
Students universally reported annoyance following their mothers’ initial assessments. Coping mechanisms included complaining to their fathers, intentionally knocking over previously stacked books and bouncing up and down on the bed while yelling down the hall, “This seems fine for copious amounts of unprotected sex!”
“I just don’t get it,” literally every single mother said disdainfully. “We pay the university all this money, and where do they put my child? In a dusty prison.” The huge, seemingly never-ending line of middle-aged women then all shook their heads, looked at the floor and coughed, exclaiming, “You see? All that dust!”
As the constantly-moving wave of mothers approached the thin doorways of Keeney Quad, then struggled to file through in an orderly manner, each student attempted to hastily stack a few old papers in a haphazard pile in hopes of freeing up space and temporarily fooling each and every mother into becoming more receptive to the size of each room. Every child also proceeded to quickly decorate their barren walls with family photographs in a last-ditch effort to distract every mother from the dorms’ overall sterility. Expectations were that this would not work.
“This is just great,” every single mother on campus continued to their various children. “Plus, I just saw a girl down the hall dressed in a low-cut top. She looks like a streetwalker,” the mothers all said, out of concern that their sons would hook up with her and their daughters would be negatively influenced by said streetwalker.
The legion of mothers then once again coughed together in perfect harmony and simultaneously exited to their 5,197 Chevy Suburbans. The mothers proceeded to the unusually crowded Providence Place Mall, with the intention of purchasing 5,197 new Swiffers and 5,197 cartons of Camel Lights.
