Adam's articles
Evan Berman ’14 is working diligently to make sure that his plans to study abroad during the fall 2012 do not fall through. Berman has had difficulty, however, deciding with any finality where he plans to travel because he has yet to find a location where the religious beliefs of the majority of the population are still up for grabs.
The face of heroic reggae martyr Bob Marley has recently popped up on the labels of a new brand of Jamaican-themed iced coffee bearing the singer’s name.
A thing on the Brown campus was recently changed in favor of a new way of doing that thing. When asked their opinions on the slight change in procedure for doing a thing, many students were confused at first and then begrudgingly accepted the minute change that would in no way alter their day-to-day lives.
All was not quiet last Saturday night in the sleepy Southern New York hamlet of Greenburgh as local father of two Mitchell Weiss received rave reviews for his accurate portrayal of a Hispanic accent. Weiss, who dined with family in tow at La Cocina, “thoroughly impressed” everyone sitting at adjacent tables, which he claims was, “in no way [his] intention.”
“People are saying that I’m some kind of ‘genius,’ but it’s not about intelligence, although I do have a relatively high IQ and salary,” Weiss told The Noser.
Tanner Grayson ’13, in the midst of a dinner date with Rachel Kemp ’14 at Paragon, was repeatedly hampered by consistent attempts to do things that only a cool, “smooth operator” of a man would do. Grayson, however, was often unsuccessful because he failed to recall what an unappealing and overall disappointing person he is.
Recent research has concluded that a common joke regarding the country’s hipster population has officially completed its transition from “clever” to “overused” to “unbearable." The joke, which mocks the attitude of many hipsters toward the obscure bands they enjoy, is now not only not obscure, but the mocking of said joke has become a joke in and of itself, a key indicator of a full transition into the mainstream.
Less than a year after first appearing on Thayer Street with little to no explanation about its mysterious arrival, Toledo and its rarely-heralded pizza cones returned yesterday to the stark, parched hellscape from which they came.
After repeated verbal poking and prodding over the course of his 19 years, Richard Bronfman ’14, a red-headed sophomore, finally lost control.
“It was insanity,” said Kyle Kendrick ’14, Bronfman’s roommate. “All I said was, ‘Hey carrot doofus, does the carpet match your ugly fucking red hair? Also, your parents are poor.’ And he just lost it.”
“Profanity left and right,” Kendrick continued.
Serving quality Mexican food and excessive amounts of cream cheese to Brown’s student population, the Bagel Gourmet franchise has always remained a marketable one.
Tragedy struck the Romney campaign Thursday evening, when it was discovered that at some point during a bus trip from Pennsylvania to Ohio, Mitt Romney had fallen over and shattered into a collection of small fragments. Mr. Romney, usually only used for large-scale events, was in sleep mode, preparing for a rally the next morning.
Brenda, my sweet. Look at you. Sun glistening off your forehead, eyes shining like a beacon in the night. Mark my words Brenda: I love you more than you could ever know. I cherish you like the sweetest fruit. And I wish I could do something about the bees. I really do.
“This is where you’re living?” said everyone’s mother, in unison, at exactly noon on move-in day. “Alright, okay, we’ll see if this stays clean.”
“It’s kind of cramped,” all the mothers continued, as they exited each and every room to go grab dustbusters that they’d left in the car.
A job interview that began smoothly for Jonathan Van Rye '11 went awry earlier this week once the interviewer moved into a discussion of Mr. Van Rye's transcript. "Everything was perfect," Van Rye recalled. "I was acing every question; I wasn't sweating; I remembered to say how much I loved working for low pay; and I only briefly had an erection, but I deftly covered it up with my hand.
Larry Roberts, long-time Providence resident and accomplished "drug knower,"
considers himself a man who is fairly up-to-date on the trends and nuances of the drug lifestyle. He devoted the entire decade of the 1970s to figuring out what drug words mean in order to properly converse with those around him.
Alex Rodriguez, 13-time All Star and 3-time MVP, has been a cornerstone of the New York Yankees franchise since 2004. Hitting over 600 homeruns, Rodriguez has turned himself from a poor kid growing up in Florida into the best-slugging third baseman of all time.
Oh, hey. Didn't see you there. Yes, I don't have eyes. Astute observation. You sure are a sharp one. Anyhow, yeah, I am in some pretty big piles right in the middle of the sidewalk. Thanks for noticing. And you know what? I think I'm gonna stay that way for a while.
A true tragedy of capitalistic excess is taking place on Brown's campus. While students wander to their classes unencumbered with worry, the story is quite a different one for Brown's library workers. Or, it's the same story. I'm not sure.
Bert Robbins '13, star second baseman for the Brown baseball team, has an unparalleled work ethic. His drive and desire are off the charts. It is impossible to quantify the amount of hustle he brings to the field each time he sprints out to his position. Luckily, these positive-sounding key words make up for the fact that Robbins conceivably has no clue how to play the sport of baseball.
Engrim now states that he's "like 90% sure" Professor Lundquist was, in fact, feebly trying to distract the student body at large from the sound of his own flatulence.
If you've attended a frat party in the halls of Delta Tau over the past few weeks, you've more than likely noticed the distinct odor of dog shit emanating from the dance floor.
The transition to college life has been difficult for Richard Dunbrough '14, as it usually is for most people.
Fred Hendricks '12 left his friends thoroughly impressed after describing to them the "unreal" internship he had secured in Providence for the summer months.
He wove a tale of intrigue, scientific investigation, and discovery in an accredited laboratory.
Move over, IMPROVidence! Out of the way, Mock Trial! Get lost, Badmaash! There's a new obsession amongst Brown students: their incredibly athletic and dashingly attractive ballroom dance team.
"I've never seen anyone pull off the moves they do!" said Ballroom Dance Captain Tommy Mulroney '12.
Ah, the scents. The sounds. The ambiance. There's nary a place I'd rather be than in a dank, unlit room full of assembly lines, knives covered in old meat, and carcasses. Nowhere can you get that happy feeling, when you are stealing that extra hunk of meat to feed your increasingly desperate and starving family.
The month-long investigation of a three-alarm fire in nearby Woonsocket has finally yielded definitive results. While a lion's share of the blame is being placed on the negligence of the residents, a small portion of the responsibility for the blaze has been doled out to a sketchy man in a trench coat, observed near the scene of the crime grasping a military-grade blowtorch.
The new incarnation of Faunce House is finished and finally open for business. However, there is one major change; the building once inhabited almost exclusively by Brown's hipster population has now taken on the theme of a construction site.
"Yeah, we decided to go with a theme change after we noticed how popular those hotels with 'themed rooms' have become," said foreman and noted construction expert Larry Hazelman.
It's often hard to get noticed as a freshman. You've just left high school, a relatively small and tight-knit community, and moved onto college, where you sometimes feel like just one of many similar fish in a gigantic ocean. However, Mark Robbins '13 never feels this way, because unlike most fish, he sports a voluminous and coarse moustache on his filtrum.
The campus-wide panic has begun. Students with a slight cough stay in their rooms all day and refuse to leave. Guys at frat parties ask a girl if she's feeling congested before hooking up with her. Students who never leave their rooms continue to play video games and eat Cheetos, unconcerned.
We've all met them, we all know them, and we all try to avoid making eye contact with them when we see them coming towards us across campus. They're the Harry Potter nerds, and although we can sometimes barely stand their presence, it will no longer be an issue, since over the weekend actual dark wizards killed every single one of them.
It's not unusual to look around campus these days and see students bundled up in their warmest winter gear, wearing gloves and boots, and using hand warmers ("because my mother made me"). However, a small but significant part of the Brown community couldn't feel more at home: the Yetis.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
