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In the wake of the penny’s discontinuation, copper magnate Cupric Copperfinger has laid hold of every red cent in circulation.
“I just have a passion for coin collecting,” explained Copperfinger, emerging from a veritable dragon’s hoard of pennies in his lair. “It’s an exciting time to collect these little guys since they’re going to skyrocket in value any day now.”
“Alright, I guess I’m not only interested in them for collecting purposes. I’ll let you in on a little secret: These here coins are the way of the future,” admitted Copperfinger, shoving his hand under a couch cushion in search of more wealth. “Did I think that I would monopolize the United States’ copper supply by controlling all the pennies? Perhaps. Was I disappointed to learn that they are mostly made out of zinc? A trifle.”
“But no matter. When you’ve been in the game as long as I have, you’re bound to pick up some useful tools like the UltraMagnetizer-3000,” continued Copperfinger, picking various metal detritus off the giant superconducting magnet beside him. “I don’t call myself a ‘magnate’ for nothing, ha! Unfortunately I haven’t gotten much use out of it, though—as it turns out, most pennies aren’t magnetic. I did pull up a couple of 1943 steel cents, but they don’t really do it for me.”
At press time, a morally grey rock band named Nickelback seized every nickel in circulation.
