Parker's articles
In a disappointing turn of events, the nosebleed just experienced by local 12-year-old Victor Atkinson is the result of a genetic blood vessel disorder rather than superpowers.
“I’m pretty sure I have psychic powers because every time I think about moving something with my mind, my nose bleeds,” said Victor, who had a more or less continuous stream of blood emanating from his nose.
In the wake of the penny’s discontinuation, copper magnate Cupric Copperfinger has laid hold of every red cent in circulation.
“I just have a passion for coin collecting,” explained Copperfinger, emerging from a veritable dragon’s hoard of pennies in his lair.
A trailblazing tapeworm has wriggled onto the national stage in the footsteps of Dick Cheney, jointly leading the Department of Health and Human Services from inside the brain of Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
“We haven’t seen this level of parasitic representation in government since former Vice President Cheney,” noted presidential historian Gordon McGee, referring to the hominid-sized parasite attached to George W.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
