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The Brown Noser

Exclusive Dinner For Brown’s Middle-Class Students Just Two Room Temperature Pizzas in Kasper Multipurpose Room

Published Friday, March 8th, 2019

According to an exposé published in the Providence Journal this morning, Brown’s administration has been sanctioning an exclusive, annual dinner for the University’s middle-class students. Sources report the dinner consists of two room temperature cheese pizzas in the Kasper Multipurpose Room.

The exposé, drawing on reports from two anonymous student journalists, revealed that the dinner is hosted every year by Helen Gilbert ’92, a Brown alum who otherwise donates no money to the university.

“There’s this Granoff Dinner thing so I figured it’d be nice to do something similar for students who aren’t in the top 1%,” Gilbert said. “I got cheese because I figured everyone would like it. Everyone should be able to get at least one slice, but we’ll have to see if there’s enough for seconds. I’m also bringing a bag of tortilla chips and a can of salsa, though, so it should be fine.”

“I also got some two-liter bottles of Sprite and Diet Coke and one of those plastic boxes of sugar cookies from the grocery store,” Gilbert reported as she furnished the tables with white, plastic tablecloths and loose handfuls of Tootsie Rolls. “I just want everyone to be happy.”

At press time, Gilbert was telling attendees that, if they were able to, they could Venmo her $5, but it’s totally fine if they can’t.

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