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At an emergency press conference held this morning, Student Programs Coordinator Shelly Resnick confirmed reports that a sudden detonation in the crossbreeding wing of the Career Lab had created and released a potentially hazardous occupation into the economy.
Speaking at an makeshift podium made of stacks of unused cover letters, and frequently interrupted by the hisses and squawks of a number of immature pre-professionals caged behind her, Resnick characterized the escaped job as “some kind of social media/consulting/health policy non-profit entity.”
Warning that the profession might be dangerously interdisciplinary and exhibit high levels of work-life balance, the Career Development Center has advised individuals to remain indoors and unemployed until it can be brought under control. The center also issued a special warning to students, many of whom live close to the site of the explosion. “Undergraduates between the ages of 18 and 22 are at the greatest risk. Remember, if you encounter this career in the job-market, while its entry-level positions may look cute and fulfilling, resist the urge to look into it. Senior management can be very protective of their young,” the statement read.
Worryingly, however, some undergraduates may have already fallen under the new profession’s influence. “Oh yeah, I heard some of my friends talking about going to an info session for that,” said Grant Burke ’13 of the fugitive vocation. “I might send in a copy of my resumé. It sounds pretty cool.”
While some students and alumni are calling on University Provost Mark Schlissel to suspend all Career Lab operations, Resnick and others remain confident that Schlissel will allow the lab to maintain business as usual. “After all, without research like ours,” Resnick said, “positions like Provost probably wouldn’t even exist.”
