Describing himself as a “pretty extreme extrovert,” local man Peter Marbury derives most of his daily energy from spending time around and eating the corpses of other human beings, sources confirmed Monday. “I’m just the kind of guy who recharges by going out with a couple of friends, grabbing some drinks, and finding a few dead bodies or murdering a group of strangers and eating their insides,” the outgoing man remarked as he gnawed the meat off of a person’s fibula. “I know some people might think extroverts are party-hounds or obsessed with socializing, but if I don’t go out on the weekend and ravenously consume the organs of the deceased, I feel tired and unfocused. It’s just how I energize.” At press time, Marbury was on his way to see his introverted cousin who, unlike Marbury, gains energy by staying home alone and eating himself.

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