In a tense family tableau this past Thanksgiving, the entire Schiller family was honestly pissed that Aunt Carol claimed “good health” so early in the gratitude game.

“Carol’s always fucking doing this,” Peter Schiller said, hands shaking with rage as he passed the gravy. “Ooh, I’m Aunt Carol, and I’m just sooooo grateful for my good health this year! Get real.”

“It’s just rude. What the hell are the rest of us supposed to say, friends and family? C’mon, that’s been done to death.” Schiller continued as Aunt Carol smiled at the rest of her family, unaware of their barely concealed ire. “It’s completely selfish of her, I can’t follow that!”

At press time, everyone in the Friendsgiving group chat couldn’t believe Sarah signed up for plates and forks so fast.

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