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Sources report that area Swiftie Kelly O’Brien is explaining that Taylor Swift is a secret lesbian with the conviction of a fire-and-brimstone evangelical preacher.
“It’s absolutely impossible to deny that she’s dated women,” asserted O’Brien, slapping her Fearless: Platinum Edition CD like it was the Good Book. “I mean, you’re telling me that her intense relationship with Karlie Kloss that abruptly ended was platonic? The evidence is so clear!”
“Okay, take a look at this performance of ‘I Knew You Were Trouble’ from the 2014 iHeart Radio Festival. Do you hear those pronouns? Taylor is definitely saying ‘she’, not ‘he!’” proclaimed O’Brien with the intensity of a church leader sermonizing a passage of scripture for their congregation. “Taylor might claim she’s writing ‘songs from the male perspective,’ but the sapphic undertones are simply too strong to deny.”
“After I was introduced to the truth, I could never go back. The first time I read that 10,000-word-long Tumblr post from 2016 detailing Taylor Swift’s alleged affair with Dianna Agron, well, that was it for me," said O’Brien with the conviction of a religious leader praying for salvation. “The community of Gaylor believers welcomed me with open arms.”
At press time, O’Brien was asking her parents to buy her Eras Tour tickets with the frenzied passion of a televangelist exhorting their viewers to donate.
