Partly Cloudy, 64°
According to his co-pilot, Fedex pilot William Whitaker kept making intercom announcements as if he wasn’t flying a plane full of packages. Throughout tonight’s Cleveland-bound flight, Whitaker has repeatedly used the intercom to inform the non-existent passengers about irrelevant information, such as safety protocol and the local weather.
“We have now reached our cruising altitude of 39,000 feet traveling at 500 miles per hour, with an ETA of an hour and 20 minutes,” interrupted Whitaker as the packages shifted slightly due to turbulence that he also recently warned about. “Keep in mind that the fasten seatbelt light is on, and again no smoking is allowed in the aircraft.”
At press time, Whitaker asked his imaginary flight attendant to walk around the cabin to hand out beverages and peanuts.
