Sunday, September 25, 2022
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The Brown Noser

Finance Recruiters Seeking Applicants With Drive, Passion, Top Hat, Monocle

Published Friday, September 16th, 2022

A team of recruiters for investment banking firm Goldman Sachs has advertised their need for future employees with drive, passion, a top hat, and a monocle.

“We’re looking for a certain kind of team player,” said head of recruitment Trent West, envisioning a new batch of young talent smoking cigars around a roaring fire. “This kind of business needs people who care about their work, aren’t afraid to put in long hours and spend a lot of time at the tailor.”

“Not just anyone can fit into the finance world,” continued West, preparing an icebreaker where the firm’s new cohort shared their favorite cummerbund manufacturers. “Most successful young bankers have a strong background in economics, a willingness to sacrifice their personal life for their job, and a closet bursting with only the finest top hats straight from London.”

“Diversity and inclusion is a priority for the firm,” added West, scanning LinkedIn profile pictures for students dressed like Gilded Age tycoons of industry. “While monocle-wearing is ideal for our employees, we also welcome recruits who prefer to wear a gold pocket-watch or even a signet ring.”

At press time, military recruiters were seeking applicants with patriotism, physical fitness, and a loving missus waiting for them on the homefront.

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