A groundbreaking study released out of Woods Hole National Marine Laboratory revealed that the first animal to crawl out of the water must have really hated how all other animals peed in the ocean.
“Three hundred and seventy five million years ago, the ancestor to all land mammals made a monumental first step out of the ocean and onto land, setting the stage for the entire terrestrial existence of humanity,” said the report, adding that this creature must have been really grossed out about all the piss in the ocean. “And he probably did so because every other creature peed in the ocean like they didn’t literally breathe that water into their body through gills.”
“Not much is known about this pioneering ancestor, a figure shrouded in mystery, who made the audacious decision to forsake the familiar comforts of their ancestral home, embracing a courageous journey to inhabit a harsh new world characterized by the relentless glare of the sun, the corrosive sting of acidic rain, and the ominous rumblings of volcanic activity, a testament to their resilience and adaptability in the face of formidable challenges,” continued the report, speculating that he must have been a real neat freak to give it all up like that. “But we can state that it probably got really weirded out when it passed a warm part of the ocean, not knowing if it was pee or not, and that was why it made the move out of the ocean.”
A follow-up report released Monday revealed only the true freaks stayed in the ocean.

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