Ben and Christina, sittin’ in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the fear that your feelings aren’t as strong as hers so maybe marriage was a mistake.

Then comes baby in a baby carriage, then comes the dreaded realization that having a baby isn’t going to fix anything and instead you’ve embroiled this poor innocent child in your relationship troubles, and your inevitable divorce is going to force this kid into years of therapy.

Gross. Hahaha.

Hey Ben. Hey Bennnnn. You’ve been hanging out a lot with Christina these days. Do you like her? Do you like-like her? Do you like-like-but-aren’t-sure-if-that’s-enough-to-justify-spending-the-effort-of-a-committed-relationship her? Do you love her?

Ewww.

You guys! Ben likes a girl. A girlll! Or maybe she’s a woman—maybe she’s maturing faster than Ben could have anticipated and she’s not what he thought she was and now nothing seems certain and he feels so small and love is so big and who is he to be with this woman, this woman who deserves so much more?

Blech. Everyone knows girls have cooties, Ben. And more importantly than that, girls have a world of anxieties and insecurities you’ll never understand. You’ll listen and nod and say you care, but do you really, Ben? Can you?

Do you want to hold her hand, Ben? Do you want to kiss her? Do you want to wake up next to her and realize that it’s been 10 years and you’ve never questioned the possibility of being with anyone else and while that’s maybe in some ways romantic, it’s also a little scary and maybe even upsetting?

Hahaha, Ben, do you know how babies are made? Do you want to do that with Christina? I don’t mean sex—everyone knows about sex—I’m talking about the prospect of committing to spending the rest of your life with one person. Making a promise that even though there are billions of other people on earth, you’ll never leave her for any of them. Gambling on feeling the same way for 50-plus years that you feel right now.

Yuck.

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