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The Brown Noser

First-Year Pissed He Can't Have All That Sex Now, Damn

Published Friday, October 30th, 2020

Sources report that first-year Josh Badabuppi is pissed that, damn, he will no longer be able to have all that sex he was surely going to have in college because of the pandemic.

“Yeah, damn, it really sucks doesn’t it?” lamented Badabuppi, truly distressed by the thought of what he assumes are many missed opportunities, sexually. “I was really pumped to, you know, make frequent trips to pound town, do the old no pants dance, and let my dog take a dip in the river Sex, but I guess I won’t really be able to get into all that until sophomore year now.”

“It’s just a shame because I know I’m someone who was really getting held back in high school. Sexually, I mean,” added Badabuppi, visibly bummed that now, solely due to the coronavirus pandemic, he wouldn’t get all that sex he was planning on. “I’m fairly sure in college I would’ve done pretty well for myself if we had a normal school year. You know, partaking in many many orgies, getting BJ’s from all of my unit mates, and yes, visiting pound town on the regular in general. Guess we’ll never know.”

At press time, Josh was polishing the bannister, adjusting the antenna, and shaking hands with the mailman.

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