A local racehorse is so dialed in that he doesn’t even need his regulation side blinders, instead opting for a more natural approach to his craft. “He’s really just more interested in the task at hand,” said Fred Fandango, Jockey of Sloppy Retreat, a 1,100-pound beast comprised mostly of testosterone, adrenaline, and muscle who’s never needed blinders in his life. “He keeps his eyes on the prize, this one. Get him running, and he doesn’t even blink an eye until the race is finished. Sometimes we have to inject him with ketamine right after so that he doesn’t just keep on running.” At press time, another jockey practicing gentle parenting didn’t even need a whip.

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