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The Brown Noser

Football Team To Finally Achieve Undefeated Season

Published Friday, September 25th, 2020

In light of the cancellation of Ivy League athletic competition, the Brown football team will finally achieve an undefeated season, according to a press release from the athletics department.

“We’re excited to mark this momentous undefeated streak,” said head coach James Perry in front of the team’s empty trophy case in the OMAC. “After years of being the butt of jokes, it’s exciting to finally be recognized for our accomplishments.”

The team, which has won one game in the Ivy League in the past three years and hasn’t been to a bowl game since 1916, was reportedly ecstatic about the news.

“I can’t wait to lead the team through this historic year,” said the team’s quarterback, eager to experience a season with no humiliating defeats. “The feeling of walking around campus knowing that everyone is proud of me is unbeatable — just like our team.”

At press time, the football team was preparing to swagger even more around campus than normal.

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