According to sources in an off-campus kitchen, that four-month-old sponge is absolutely not going to make that pan any cleaner. “At this point, I would just make the pan even dirtier if I used this sponge,” said senior Sarah Lenane, staring at her house’s communal sponge, which has not been replaced in ninety days despite scrubbing food, grease, and saliva off of dishes on a regular basis. “It used to be yellow, but now it’s kind of brown with some patches of green. Surely, we shouldn’t clean that pan—something we use to cook food—with that sponge, but I keep forgetting to buy a new one every time I go to CVS.” At press time, it was literally impossible that the Brita filter, which has not been replaced in six months, was purifying any water.

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