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Local authorities avoided near-catastrophe early Wednesday morning, as they discovered an emaciated student reportedly "on the verge of death" slumped against the side of the Sharpe Refectory.
According to sources at the scene, the student - later identified as Alex Chernokov '14 - was heard faintly rasping, "Oh Flex 240, oh goddamn Flex 240" in his stupor.
Sources say that Chernokov's condition is a direct result of his failure to listen to his mother, Lyudmilla Chernokov. When contacted for an interview, Mrs. Chernokov glared until this reporter was reduced to tears. It was a phone interview.
"I told him," said Mrs. Chernokov. "I told him a million times, he needs some meat on his bones."
Despite his mother's urgings, Chernokov signed up for a smaller meal plan and proceeded to recklessly squander credits and points, buying Odwalla bars willy-nilly and swiping into the Ratty to sit with friends even when he wasn't hungry. His dining spree came to a sudden end after just one week.
"Alex kept asking to borrow my ID card for swipes at the V-Dub," said Jenny Sheffield '14, a neighbor of Chernokov's on the third floor of Poland House. "I had to tell him 'no' after like the 20th time he asked."
"That son of mine just never listens to me," Mrs. Chernokov explained. "So what if he almost suffered a horrifying death during his first month of college? At least he'll do as he's told when he comes home for Thanksgiving, maybe even wipe the bathroom counter after using it."
Chernokov has failed to heed his mother's prescient advice in the past, with similarly tragic results. He sports permanently crossed eyes from "making those unattractive faces so long you'll get stuck that way," and nearly all his teeth rotted out of his mouth one Halloween when he ate too much sugar.
"Now Alex will finally let me buy him the biggest possible meal plan," Mrs. Chernokov crowed. "I bet he won't even thank his mother for her salient advice afterwards."
Despite her enlightening comments, the interview with Chernokova had to be cut short, after the sound of her terribly nagging voice asking her interviewer to "find out more about that girl Alex has been seeing, like where her parents work" made three Noser staff members sick to their stomachs.
As of press time, Chernokov is in stable condition at the Roger Williams Medical Center. According to his nurse, Alisa Bailey, the patient is hooked up to a nasogastric tube containing chicken fingers, make-your-own waffles and a medley of Odwalla bars in order to reacquaint his digestive system with the common 20-meal-a-week Brown University diet.
"Actually, I should go replace that tube now," Bailey said.
