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Jonathan Phillips ’15 had hardly finished moving in to his second-floor room in Andrews Hall and saying a tearful goodbye to his family when a traumatic event interrupted the otherwise-spirited occasion. An unidentified, totally random male wearing a Brown sweatshirt barged into the room and, “just started putting up these pseudo-ironic ‘Pearl Jam’ posters all over the wall,” Phillips told the Noser.
“At first I thought it was a hate crime, because I’m from Seattle you know,” he said.
“But he wouldn’t leave. He just stayed there for hours, unpacking things from this huge box and setting them up on the other side of the room, like he was testing me or something. Seeing how long I could take it,” Phillips said. “He asked me my name, but I’m not that stupid. I pretended I was deaf and peed my pants.”
The incident was reported to the Department of Public Safety, but little action seems to have taken place, as the intruder continues to repeatedly break-in to Phillips’s room and even sleep there most nights.
“How can I feel safe when this maniac is harassing me?” continued Phillips. “Yesterday he broke into my bathroom and then burst into the room half-naked and soaking wet. So I pulled my rape alarm, and he just said ‘what the fuck is wrong with you, asshole.’ Which is what he always says."
Phillips added, rolling his eyes, "Right, like something’s wrong with me.”
Phillips has recently grown concerned over his hallmates’ apparent disregard for the strange person who has all but taken up residence on the left side of his room. According to Phillips, some seem to have even befriended the “conspicuous character.”
“Jon’s roommate, Steve? Oh yeah, he’s cool,” said Alex Mills ’13, the women’s peer counselor for Phillips’s residential unit. “Jon’s kind of a dick, though.”
However, reflecting on the course of their complicated relationship, Phillips admitted that he had reluctantly begun to form an unexpected bond with the miscreant.
“I dunno … call it Stockholm Syndrome, but the guy’s not all bad,” he said. “Sometimes he’ll actually take out the trash, and even leave the light on if I’m up late."
“And even though I know he’s a sociopathic delinquent who would probably stop at nothing to slit my throat for no reason at all, I’ve come to accept him,” added Phillips. "Yeah … I guess he is kind of like a roommate after all.”
“No, I am his fucking roommate,” said the alleged intruder in an exclusive interview with the Noser.
“My name is Steve. Steve. I’m not a terrorist. I’m not a rapist. I’m a freshman,” he explained. “And if that fucking asshole reports me to DPS one more time, I’m calling ResLife. I am sick and tired of being arrested at two in the morning for sleeping in my own bed."
Seething with anger, the domestic terrorist added, "Oh, also, he needs to stop telling people that I ‘break in’ to the bathroom to ‘poop and pee.’ It’s OUR bathroom, not his, and we all poop and pee in there. It’s not weird that I do that. Everyone does that.”
